you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
