Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
