Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
