just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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