Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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