alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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