Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
