did you get engaged???
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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