I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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