You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
