Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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