I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
