The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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