Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
