New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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