i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
