I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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