I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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