I CAN MOONWALK!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
