I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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