hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
