I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
