i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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