I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
