I think I died a long time ago.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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