Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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