I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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