I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
