Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
