First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
