I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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