i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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