If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
