whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
