im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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