I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
