break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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