I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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