they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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