girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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