My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
