Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
