Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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