Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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