I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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