hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
