I am spending my child support on dildos
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
