Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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