According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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