My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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