You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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