Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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