Got a toothbrush?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
