Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just pee around me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
