The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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